


marrying my best friend

by hyuniebun



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: (check notes at the beginning for ages), (the boosoon tag deserves better than this!!), Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Falling In Love, Fear of love, First Love, Friendship, Light Angst, M/M, Soonyoung-centric, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 23:32:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14904284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuniebun/pseuds/hyuniebun
Summary: Soonyoung decided he's going to marry his best friend a long time ago. Falling in love only gets you hurt.





	marrying my best friend

**Author's Note:**

> soonyoung/seungkwan/wonwoo/mingyu/jihoon/seungcheol = same age  
> chan = one year younger  
> jeonghan = one year older

Soonyoung wants to marry his best friend. That’s what he decided when he was in kindergarten and his parents got divorced, starting new relationships. They loved each other, but it didn’t work out, both getting married again to their new partners, their best friends. He has four parents, all living together in a house and he's happy, his parents are happy.

 

In primary school, he wants to marry his best friend Seungkwan. They’re inseparable, spending almost all of their time together, it helps that their mothers are close friends. Soonyoung tells him about his plan to marry his best friend, the two of them lying in a pillow fort, and Seungkwan pinches his cheeks, not believing him. He tries again a couple of days later and this time Seungkwan pecks his cheek. They make a pinky promise that if they’re still best friends when they’re old enough, they’ll get married. Shortly after Soonyoung’s tenth birthday, Seungkwan’s mum gets a new job in a different city and they have to move. Soonyoung is devastated. They manage to stay in contact for almost two years, mostly through their mothers, but eventually life gets too busy and they drift apart.

 

Soonyoung starts middle school and gets himself two new best friends, Wonwoo and Mingyu. His mother calls them the three musketeers, just as inseparable as him and Seungkwan used to be. “Soonie? Which one of us will you marry?” Mingyu randomly asks him one day, when the three of them are lying on a picnic blanket in the park, watching the clouds above them and trying to identify the shapes. “Both of you.” Soonyoung replies, no question about it, and Mingyu smiles at him, Wonwoo rolling his eyes, but he, too, has a pleased smile on his face. They go through all three years of middle school together, but with puberty hitting, Wonwoo and Mingyu start developing feelings for each other that are more than just friendship. Soonyoung notices before either of them and doesn't feel like fitting himself in between them, although they make it quite obvious there’s enough room for him, instead he gets them to confess to each other.

The three of them go to the same high school, still as close as ever, but with Wonwoo and Mingyu in a relationship, Soonyoung decides to give them some space. He joins a dance club in their city and makes a new friend a little younger than him, Chan. Soonyoung develops his first real crush on Chan’s older brother, Jeonghan, and it’s the first time his affections for another person don’t stem from friendship, that his heart starts racing at the sight of the other, before he really knows Jeonghan. It’s weirdly exciting and he indulges in these new feelings, especially when Jeonghan seems to return his interest.

At age 16, Soonyoung goes on his first date and it’s wonderful, butterflies in his stomach and heart beating fast in excitement. He likes Jeonghan a lot, but even after they’ve been dating for three months, he still can’t help but worry. Soonyoung doesn't think love will make for a stable relationship, still holding onto his plan to marry his best friend and Jeonghan is his boyfriend, not his best friend.

After dating Jeonghan for almost eight months, Soonyoung breaks up with him, scared of his growing feelings, scared of falling in love and letting himself get blinded by it. It’s difficult at first, after all Jeonghan was his first crush, first boyfriend, first time and he wants to say first love, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that’s not true, that the title belongs to somebody else already. Soonyoung feels sorry to Chan who is stuck between them, but the younger ends up being the reason they somehow manage to stay friends or become friends, since their relationship was laced in romantic interest from the start, getting to know each other through dates and not friendship.

For Soonyoung’s 18th birthday, his parents allow him to throw a small house party and he invites all the people from high school he would loosely consider friends, realising too late that it’s quite a large amount of people. He doesn’t know how he manages to keep the party from going out of hand, since being the lightweight he is, he already finds himself pretty drunk only two hours in. He most probably has to thank Wonwoo and Mingyu for keeping an eye on things. That night, Soonyoung learns that with alcohol come bad decisions and he wakes up the next day naked in his bed with an equally naked Jeonghan lying next to him. It feels like they’re breaking up for a second time, but Soonyoung just can’t do it again, too terrified. “We work as friends, don’t we?” Jeonghan’s question almost knocks him off his feet because he isn’t wrong, but his mind still can’t let go off the fact that friendship came second to them.

Soonyoung doesn’t quit the dance club, no matter how much he doesn’t want to have to face Chan almost every day, but he thinks he deserves the disappointed look in the younger’s eyes every time he looks at him, takes the snide remarks as his punishment. It’s not long before he’ll have to leave anyway, almost finished with high school and getting ready for university. Soonyoung’s timing is almost too perfect, starting to spend more time with Wonwoo and Mingyu again who decided to break up because they’re going to different universities. The three musketeers are back.

While Wonwoo and Mingyu are already decided on the universities they want to go to, Soonyoung is still struggling to choose, so the two drag him to a university fair in Seoul. They turn it into a small road trip and it hits Soonyoung how much he missed them, how much he is going to miss them. He tries not to dwell on it too much, wanting to enjoy his time with his two best friends. When they arrive at the university fair, the two push Soonyoung to the stands of the universities they know he’s been interested in and he finds himself falling in love with the Performing Arts program at one of them, it helps that the girl who is telling him about the program has a special focus on dance. Soonyoung is so happy, finally feeling like he made a decision, when he notices a cute boy with pink hair next to him, currently talking to another girl at the stand.

He knows he’s staring, but even when he gets caught, Soonyoung doesn’t stop. Somehow he manages to start up a conversation with the cute boy, who introduces himself as Jihoon, the two of them even exchanging numbers since they both might be going to the same university and it can’t hurt to have a familiar face. Soonyoung is almost reluctant to leave, but Wonwoo and Mingyu end up dragging him away because they’re both hungry and Soonyoung should treat them since they helped him decide on a university and he even got the number of a cute boy all thanks to them. They end up splitting the bill, as they always do, because they’re three growing boys, they eat a lot.

Jihoon and Soonyoung hit it off really well, texting daily and even meeting up to have coffee together. Wonwoo and Mingyu tease him for travelling hours just to see him, but Soonyoung is too happy to pay them any mind. Jihoon and him are friends, nothing more or at least that’s what he keeps telling himself, blaming his racing heart on the excitement. It’s only awkward for a moment, before conversation flows easily, they’ve been texting for over two months after all, they know each other. Soonyoung somehow finds himself telling Jihoon about his parents and his plan to marry his best friend and Jihoon doesn’t judge him for it, genuinely interested. They end up missing their trains back and decide to stay at a motel for the night, sharing a bed and talking into the early hours of the next day.

When Soonyoung is back home, they start texting even more frequently, despite their finals coming closer and closer. Both of them graduate successfully, accepted into the same university and Soonyoung asks if Jihoon wants to try and find an apartment together, but Jihoon already promised one of his hometown friends to move in together, so Soonyoung applies for a room at a student dormitory. Wonwoo and Mingyu have also been accepted into their dream universities and even though the three of them used to talk about moving in together, something tells him the two wouldn’t be too fond of the idea now. There’s still something more than friendship between them and Soonyoung doesn’t dare to question them, he’s the last person that should be giving relationship advice to anyone. The three of them drive to Seoul together and then go their separate ways, promising to meet up often and keep each other updated.

Soonyoung's flatmate hasn’t arrived yet, so he takes his time looking around the small student apartment while unpacking his things. It’s really nice. They each have their own room, sharing the kitchen and a bathroom. There’s a common room for each floor and Soonyoung likes the cosy decor with a couch, a couple of plush chairs, a table and a TV. He can imagine spending some nice evenings there, getting to know some of the other people living in the dormitory. When he returns to his apartment, the door is wide open and a couple of boxes are stacked in the hallway. A person struggling to carry three boxes simultaneously appears in his line of sight and Soonyoung immediately offers to help, the other person accepting gladly.

He takes two boxes, they’re pretty heavy, and finally meets his flatmate face to face. Soonyoung almost drops the boxes when he recognises the other person. “Soonie?” He nods dumbfounded, before carefully placing the boxes on the floor. “Kwanie?” And just like that, he finds his arms full with his childhood best friend. They catch up while Seungkwan unpacks, he brought a lot of stuff, but it balances out the fact that Soonyoung brought way too little. When Seungkwan is only left with all the food his mother packed for him, Soonyoung finds himself really looking at his old friend. He obviously looks different from when they last saw each other, but he can still see the small ten year old boy in him, having grown more into his features. Soonyoung always thought Seungkwan was handsome and he’s happy to see that he was right when he told him all those years ago that he would only become more beautiful as he gets older.

“Are you hungry? You’re staring.” Seungkwan’s voice rips him out of his thoughts and he realises that he is pretty hungry. “Who would say no to your mother’s cooking?” The other boy agrees, starting the rice cooker and warming up some of the side dishes while Soonyoung sets the small table in their kitchen. Already the first bite brings back endless memories of staying at Seungkwan’s house; his mother preparing snacks for them while they’re playing, asking if Soonyoung is going to stay over, even though they all know it’s not even a question, the two boys lying next to each other on Seungkwan’s bed while she reads them a bedtime story, holding onto each other at the scary parts and both asking for another story, despite always falling asleep a couple of pages into the second one.

It’s almost weird how easily they fall back into being best friends, Soonyoung taking Seungkwan along when he meets up with Wonwoo and Mingyu. They get along almost instantly, Soonyoung thinks it’s impossible not to like Seungkwan, he’s so personable and bright. The four of them start meeting up regularly and Seungkwan quickly notices that there’s something between the two other boys, bringing it up to Soonyoung and persuading him to try and help them work it out. He agrees only because Seungkwan doesn’t suggest bringing them back together, but getting them to talk to clear the tension that appears between them now and then.

Despite being busy with university and his friends, Soonyoung meets up with Jihoon once a week. They only share one class and somehow it manages to become his favourite, not that he would ever admit that, not even to himself. They’re required to hold a group presentation for the class and obviously decide to pair up with each other, leading to Soonyoung spending many nights at Jihoon’s apartment, meeting his flatmate and hometown friend, Seungcheol. Seungcheol has to work a lot of late shifts to be able to pay his tuition, so most of the time it’s just Soonyoung and Jihoon. When they’re finally done with their presentation, Seungcheol treats them to chicken and beer, despite their protests since he shouldn’t be spending his money on them. Seungcheol ends up getting called into work, leaving the two alone. Neither of them are good drinkers, so it doesn’t take long for them to feel a little more than just tipsy.

Somehow the conversation drifts to Soonyoung’s plan to marry his best friend and he starts telling Jihoon about Seungkwan, about Wonwoo and Mingyu, about Jeonghan and about Seungkwan again. Jihoon looks at him for a long time, before saying something. “I’m your friend, right?” Soonyoung laughs at the ridiculous question because of course Jihoon is his friend, but he decides to tease the other a little. “Hm, I don’t know…Are you?” He pretends to think about it, exaggerating his facial expressions, but Jihoon doesn’t laugh. “Can I kiss you?” Soonyoung stops, dropping his act in shock. He isn’t sure why the question feels so heavy, when all he can think is yes, yes, yes. Soonyoung slowly leans closer to Jihoon, giving him a small nod. “Yes, you can, friend.”

And then they’re kissing and it feels so good, so right, that he doesn’t care if he’ll regret it tomorrow. He enjoys it so much, he lets Jihoon lead him to his bedroom, lets himself be undressed by the other and returning the favour, lets Jihoon pull him onto the bed, lets himself explore every part of his body until they’re both moaning for more. Soonyoung allows himself to enjoy the moment, the way Jihoon feels around his dick, the way he’s moaning his name, the way their eyes lock when both of them come, the way Jihoon fits perfectly into his arms when they fall asleep, holding each other.

Surprisingly, the next morning isn’t awkward, they take turns showering and then eat breakfast together, conversation flowing as comfortably as always between them. When Soonyoung leaves, Jihoon presses a kiss against his cheek. “See you later, friend.” He adds a ridiculous wink that has Soonyoung still laughing when he thinks about it a couple of hours later. It turns into a habit, one of them will feel stressed or frustrated and when they meet up, they fuck. Only, it’s never just fucking with them, no matter how rough they start out, pent up emotions spilling into every kiss, every touch, their eyes find each other every time when they come. Soonyoung knows his heart is always screaming those three words at him in that moment and he can only hope it doesn’t show in his eyes, that Jihoon doesn’t know what he’s so desperately trying to ignore. Afterwards, they fall asleep in each other’s arms, the few words they exchange before giving into sleep always too soft spoken, too gentle for all of it to mean nothing.

Soonyoung denies the fact that he’s in love with Jihoon again and again. They’re friends. Friends that have great sexual chemistry, so why not make use of it. He swallows his feelings and pushes the unwelcome thoughts deep into a corner of his mind because admitting any of it means he’ll have to end things with Jihoon and risk losing him completely. Soonyoung isn’t willing to accept defeat yet, sure he’ll get his feelings under control somehow, pretending they’re flimsier than they are, after all Jihoon is one of his closest friends, so of course he likes him a lot. Still, the fact that he hasn’t told Wonwoo, Mingyu or Seungkwan about the new development, even after it’s been going on for over a month, gives power to the nagging feeling in his chest that this isn’t going to be so easily resolved.

Seungkwan’s plan to get Wonwoo and Mingyu to talk comes just in time, the perfect distraction from his annoying emotions. They start creating an elaborate plan, but end up deciding it’s best to just tackle it head on, so they sit Wonwoo and Mingyu down and tell them their suspicions, that neither of them has moved on nor even really tried to move on. The conversation goes easier than expected, Wonwoo and Mingyu talk it through with Soonyoung and Seungkwan supporting them from the sidelines. They decide to give it another try and Seungkwan whoops in excitement, pulling them into a four-way hug. “We should celebrate! Dinner’s on me!” Nobody argues with that, who would say no to a free meal, especially since they’re all students with barely any money to spare. Soonyoung still makes a mental note to split the bill with Seungkwan because he’s a good friend, but also as a thank you since without the other boy this wouldn’t have been possible.

They go to a nice little restaurant, something affordable, and order some meat and beer. Wonwoo and Mingyu can’t stop smiling and Soonyoung finds himself mirroring their expressions, he regrets not saying anything earlier, wonders if he could’ve seen those smiles sooner, but at least it wasn’t too late now and that’s all that really matters. He finds Seungkwan’s hand under the table and squeezes it, turning to him and mouthing “thank you” when he catches his eyes. Their drinks arrive and he lets go of Seungkwan’s hand in favour of grabbing his glass for a toast, excited for the cola, not so much the beer. “We can go on double dates now!” Wonwoo gleefully half-shouts, earning him a pinch from Mingyu and making Seungkwan almost choke while drinking.

Soonyoung taps his back soothingly until he seems to breathe normally again, before slinging an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close. “Well, I am still planning to marry my best friend, so we might as well have a joint-wedding.” Wonwoo laughs, nodding his head in agreement, but Mingyu pinches him again and a heavy silence settles over the four of them. He wonders what he did wrong when Mingyu shoots him a displeased look that he’s only used to getting from Wonwoo. Seungkwan’s laugh breaks through the silence, but Soonyoung can tell it’s forced. Usually he’d appreciate it, but right now it’s just making him more confused. He carefully lifts his arm from Seungkwan’s shoulders, turning to his best friend to look at him, only to find him avoiding his eyes. This is very strange, but before he can say anything, their food arrives and everybody starts digging in, so Soonyoung joins them, the atmosphere returning to normal and conversation starting up again.

Soonyoung and Seungkwan decide to walk back home instead of getting a taxi like Wonwoo and Mingyu, both appreciating the fresh air. It’s weirdly quiet between them, not that they’re always talking, but the silence between them isn’t the comfortable kind Soonyoung is used to. He nudges Seungkwan playfully, fully expecting the other to nudge him back, for them to fall into their usual teasing, but Seungkwan just puts more distance between them. When Soonyoung moves closer, Seungkwan moves away, it keeps repeating until the other is almost walking on the road, so Soonyoung pulls him to his other side, afraid he might actually walk into traffic and leaves a good amount of distance between them.

He isn’t sure what’s going on, can’t come up with anything to say, so he closes the space between them again, taking one of Seungkwan’s hands into his and stopping both of them from walking further. “Hey, Kwanie. Talk to me, please?” The other keeps avoiding his eyes and refusing to say anything and Soonyoung’s mind starts grasping at straws, hoping if he just says something, apologises for something, it’ll make his best friend talk to him again. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable with the whole ‘I’m going to marry my best friend’-thing.” Seungkwan finally looks at him and there’s something in his eyes that Soonyoung can’t quite read. “Do you really still mean that? After all these years?” It isn’t the question he was expecting, but he nods anyway because it’s the truth, his mindset hasn’t changed, if anything it grew stronger after Jeonghan. “Then my promise from when we were little kids is still good.”

Soonyoung doesn’t have time to really process the words, before Seungkwan is kissing him, it’s just a soft press of lips, over as suddenly as it began. He isn’t sure how to react, isn’t sure what he’s feeling, but the small smile on Seugkwan’s face and the slight pink on his cheeks makes him lean in and kiss his best friend again. As soon as he feels the other reciprocate the kiss, he realises what he’s doing and pulls back, guilt flooding him instantly. “Seungkwan, I...” Seungkwan interrupts him, shaking his head and gently taking his hand, intertwining their fingers. “I know. You don’t feel the same way.” His best friend smiles at him, but Soonyoung can tell it’s a little forced, still he does his best to smile back, squeezing their intertwined fingers. Like that, they continue their walk home, Soonyoung doesn’t remember what they talk about, but it’s comfortable between them and that’s all that matters.

Seungkwan takes a shower first and Soonyoung finds his mind growing restless, all his earlier thoughts returning. Before he realises it, he’s in front of Jihoon’s apartment, but he can’t bring himself to knock. If he sees Jihoon now, with his mind in this state, he’s afraid what he might end up doing. Still, he also can’t seem to leave, go back to his and Seungkwan’s apartment. Soonyoung isn’t sure how long he’s just standing there, forehead leaning against the door, unsure if anyone’s even home. “Soonyoung?” Jihoon’s voice startles him, making him knock his head against the door. The other immediately unlocks the door, dragging him into the apartment and turning on the lights, looking at Soonyoung’s forehead worriedly. “You okay?” He nods, it only hurts a little, but he’s barely able to feel it, suddenly too aware that he’s inside the apartment now and Jihoon is right there in front of him.

Jihoon seems to read his thoughts, taking his hand and making him sit on the couch with him. He doesn’t let go of his hand, instead rubbing small circles into his skin and Soonyoung can feel his mind slowly calming down. Jihoon always makes him feel more grounded, as scary as the thought is to him, right now he’s just greatful. He finally turns his head to look at Jihoon, realising he was kind of just staring at their hands, and the look on the other’s face is enough to make the words spill out of his mouth. He isn’t sure half of it even makes sense, he hasn’t sorted through his thoughts yet, but it feels weirdly good to let it all out. He tells him about what happened with Seungkwan and that he suddenly found himself in front of Jihoon’s and Seungcheol’s apartment, that he always somehow finds himself going to Jihoon, that it scares him, and then he tells him what he’s been too afraid to admit to himself. “I’m in love with you, Jihoon, and that means I’m going to end up hurting you.”

Jihoon is quiet the whole time he’s talking, but his silence suddenly feels different, loaded with something unknown. He continues to just look at him for a moment, before sighing heavily and letting go of Soonyoung’s hand, instead gently placing it on his face. “You’re such an idiot, Soonyoung.” Jihoon shakes his head at him, before leaning in and kissing him. “I love you, too.” The words ghost over Soonyoung’s lips and then they’re kissing again. It’s so different from usually, both pouring all their feelings into every press of their lips, tongues dancing with each other. It’s almost too much for him to handle and his hands settle on Jihoon’s waist, fingers slipping under his shirt. He stops himself from taking it further, knows he would be doing it for the wrong reasons, desperately wanting to avoid one more thing he has yet to tell the other.

Soonyoung doesn’t want to stop kissing Jihoon, but his heart suddenly feels too heavy, so he slowly pulls back, Jihoon chasing his lips for a moment, but quickly catching himself and blinking up at Soonyoung. He wonders if he looks just as dazed as the other, certainly feels that way, but he needs to say it now or he’ll regret it. “Jihoon...” Jihoon blinks a couple of times more, before shaking his head a little and finally focusing his eyes on Soonyoung. “I don’t know if I can do this. I’m...I’m scared.” The words leave a bitter taste in his mouth and he almost wants to take them back, but they’re the truth. Jihoon’s head drops against his shoulder and he’s laughing bitterly, hand fisting into his shirt. He says something, but Soonyoung can’t hear him, words muffled. Jihoon repeats it, louder, clearer this time. “Why, Soonyoung? Why are you doing this?”

There’s something heavy in his voice and Soonyoung’s heart twists, he knows he’s being unfair, but he can’t lie to the other. Jihoon presses his facer further into his shoulder for a moment, before leaning back and looking at him again, eyes almost piercing into him with their intensity. “This is a goodbye, isn’t it?” His tone is challenging, but it breaks slightly on the last two words, as if asking him to tell him he’s wrong. He isn’t wrong. Soonyoung didn’t even realise it himself before Jihoon said it, but he’s right. He’s going to do what he always does when love is involved, he’s going to let go. Only his heart isn’t cooperating, screaming at him to hold on and he wants to, wants to so badly, but he knows himself. “Jihoon, I can’t. I’ll only hurt you.” Jihoon’s laugh is full of frustration now and he’s gripping Soonyoung’s shoulders, fingers digging into his skin enough to make it hurt a little. “You think you’re not hurting me right now? You think you’re not fucking breaking my heart right now?”

Soonyoung wants to hug him so badly, wants to reassure him, tell him it’s going to be okay, but his chest is so tight and his heart hurts so much, he doesn’t believe it himself. “Why can’t we try? Have you ever done that before? Have you ever given it a try?” The words hit Soonyoung hard, it feels like a slap across his face. He hasn’t, he’s never tried, always letting go before he’s in too deep, Jihoon is the longest he’s ever held on. If it already hurts this much now, how much is it going to hurt him later? “What if I try and fail, Jihoon? What then?” There are tears in Jihoon’s eyes and Soonyoung can see him doing his best to hold himself together, can feel it in the way his fingers are digging more and more into his shoulders. “Fuck, I should’ve just stayed your fucking friend.” The words are sharp, cutting right into Soonyoung’s heart, implications clear as day to him. This is it. If he lets go now, he’ll lose Jihoon completely. He isn’t sure why he expected anything else, he doesn’t deserve Jihoon in any way and certainly not as a friend after he hurt him like this.

Soonyoung’s been quiet for too long and Jihoon’s hands suddenly disappear from his shoulders, “I shouldn’t have wanted more. You were honest from the start.” He finds himself reaching out for Jihoon, hands holding onto him on their own accord. The look on his face breaks something inside of Soonyoung and he’s pulling him close, arms circling around him and holding him tightly. He takes a couple of deep breaths, breathing in Jihoon’s scent, something he didn’t realise he’s grown so accustomed to, something he started associating with comfort and happiness. “Okay.” It leaves Soonyoung’s lips quietly, barely above a whisper, but the way Jihoon stiffens in his arms, tells him he heard him. “Let’s give it a try.” Wetness starts seeping through his shirt, Jihoon is crying, and he just holds him tighter.

The next morning, when Soonyoung returns back to his and Seungkwan’s apartment, his step is weirdly light, heart buzzing pleasantly and he wonders if maybe he can do it this time. The fear of hurting Jihoon, of hurting himself, is still there, for now hidden underneath the memories of last night; Jihoon’s smile, Jihoon in his arms, Jihoon’s lips against his. Most of all, Soonyoung finally allowing himself to say those three words to Jihoon when their eyes find each other during sex, Jihoon’s eyes lighting up and making his heart feel warm and safe. It felt so different without the pretences, without trying to hide their true feelings, and for the first time Soonyoung thinks he finally gets why people like to refer to sex as making love.

He finds Seungkwan sleeping on his bed, eyes puffy, and his heart twists painfully in his chest. He sits down next to him on the bed, gently carding his fingers through Seungkwan’s hair, making him startle awake. Seungkwan looks at him for a moment, just blinking, before slowly sitting up. “I thought...I thought you left me.” His voice is so small and broken, it’s almost enough to make Soonyoung cry, instead he pulls him into a hug, tightening his hold when the other starts shaking a little in his arms. Soonyoung fucked up, Soonyoung fucked it all up. He holds Seungkwan wordlessly until he stops crying, incapable of saying the right words, even though he knows what they are, but painfully aware that he wouldn’t mean them.

Soonyoung makes breakfast for them, doing his best to seem normal, but Seungkwan sees right through him, he’s his best friend after all. “Don’t do this, Soonyoung.” Seungkwan wraps his arms around him from behind, face pressing into his back. “I’m not asking you to like me back, okay? I just thought you should know…” His voice trails off and Soonyoung puts down the kitchen utensils he’s holding, slowly turning around in Seungkwan’s grasp, until he’s facing the other, hugging him back. They stay like that for a while and it gives Soonyoung the courage to admit something out loud. “I know telling you this isn’t really fair, but…I think you were my first love, Kwanie.” Seungkwan’s head shoots up, looking at Soonyoung with big eyes and his heart jumps a little in his chest, once again realising how beautiful his best friend is. He wonders how easy it would be to just lean down a little and close the space between them, but he knows that’s solely his sex drive talking, the way his heart jumps when he’s with Jihoon is so different, so much more intense.

Seungkwan’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts. “Really? Oh no!” The reaction catches Soonyoung a little off guard, but Seungkwan is quick to explain further. “That…that means…when I moved away…oh no, Soonie! I contributed to your fear of falling in love!” The words settle uncomfortably inside his heart and his arms drop down, pressing himself against the kitchen counter to put more space between them, but Seungkwan doesn’t stop holding onto him. “I think we need to have a little talk.” Soonyoung can’t remember the last time Seungkwan’s voice sounded so authoritative when talking to him, it’s always gentle between them. He doesn’t like the heavy atmosphere in the room, doesn’t want to have this conversation right now, even if he isn’t sure he really knows what exactly his best friend is going to say. Seungkwan seems to sense his discomfort and sighs heavily, before stepping away from him. “You’re such an idiot, Soonyoung.”

The words remind him of last night, of Jihoon, and it pushes him to hear his best friend out, he deserves some scolding. Soonyoung takes Seungkwan’s hand and nods at him, surprise evident on his best friend’s face, but it’s quickly replaced by a pleased smile. They settle down at the small table in their kitchen and Seungkwan takes a deep breath. “You always said your parents married for love and that’s why it didn’t work out. That their second marriages are happier and lasting because they married their best friends.” Soonyoung nods, even though he isn’t sure why Seungkwan is bringing this up. “But…Soonyoung…their second marriages are also about love.” He nods again, after all the love for your best friend is still love, just in a different way. Seungkwan sighs, but continues. “What I’m trying to say is…Soonyoung, they married their best friends because they fell in love with them.”

Soonyoung finds himself avoiding Seungkwan after that, spending as much time away from their apartment as possible, most of the time staying at Jihoon’s. Being with Jihoon makes it almost impossible for Soonyoung to think about anything else, their relationship is still so uncomplicated, so comfortable and yet always exciting, making his heart race. It’s great because he doesn’t want to think about Seungkwan’s words, doesn’t even want to contemplate them because he’s afraid he might realise his best friend is right, to some extent at least. Jihoon has a morning class and he decides to wake up with him, the two making breakfast together, taking longer than necessary because they keep getting distracted, kissing each other is so much more fun than cooking. Seungcheol walks in on them, but it isn’t exactly the first time, so neither of them bother to stop.

Soonyoung sends Jihoon off with a peck to the cheek, but the other isn’t having it, despite already being a little late, and pulls him into a proper kiss. It doesn’t take long before Soonyoung has him pressed against the wall, Jihoon’s legs around his waist, but a loud cough stops them. Seungcheol gives them a look and Jihoon rolls his eyes, pressing one last kiss against Soonyoung’s lips. “Let’s continue this later, friend.” Then he’s out the door, leaving Soonyoung alone with Seungcheol who is looking at him in a weird way. “What?” Seungcheol shrugs, but he can tell he’s holding himself back from saying something. Somehow, Soonyoung is curious about what he has to say, gesturing for him to go on. “I just don’t understand the whole ‘friend’ thing?” He supposes it might be time to tell Seungcheol his story.

They sit down on the couch in the living room, Soonyoung’s legs crossed and facing Seungcheol, he tells him almost everything, the most important parts anyway. He isn’t sure how much sense it all makes, his thoughts have been so scattered the last couple of weeks, but the more he says, the more he can’t stop himself. When he’s done, he thinks he probably said too much, but Seungcheol just stays quiet until he’s done, expressionless, but not in an unkind way. “I’m pretty sure you don’t need me to tell you that you’re a fucking idiot, but I’m still going to say it. You’re a fucking idiot.” Seungcheol sighs, looking at him with pity, and Soonyoung almost wants to laugh at being called an idiot yet again, but suddenly Seungcheol’s eyes pierce into him. “I obviously don’t know everything, but I’ll tell you what I do know.” Soonyoung nods, fully prepared for Seungcheol to just tell him to stay the fuck away from Jihoon and get his life together.

“One, you need to stop with this whole love versus friendship bullshit. Platonic love isn’t inferior to romantic love, it can hurt you just as much. Two, relationships of any kind take effort, a whole fucking lot of effort and sometimes they don’t work out, so all you can do is your best. Three, Jihoon is in love with you and you’re in love with him and you two are happy together. Really, really happy. In case you haven’t noticed. Four, you need to stop avoiding Seungkwan. You clearly love him a lot and right now, you’re sabotaging your friendship with him.” Seungcheol takes a deep breath and then he shrugs at Soonyoung, almost making him laugh at how nonchalant he suddenly looks after giving such an intense speech. He wasn’t prepared for any of that, but maybe he should’ve expected it, after all Jihoon always said that Seungcheol is the best when it comes to giving honest advice.

Soonyoung mulls over the words in his head, Seungcheol is right about everything. He notices the other smiling at him and quickly thanks him. “Maybe you’re not such an idiot after all. Just maybe though.” They both laugh and Soonyoung’s chest feels a lot lighter than before, but he really needs to talk to Seungkwan, so he excuses himself, asking Seungcheol to let Jihoon know he has something important to do, and rushes back to his and Seungkwan’s apartment. Once again, Seungkwan is sleeping on his bed, so he decides to start breakfast before waking up his best friend. Seungkwan shuffles into the kitchen a few minutes later, hesitant, so Soonyoung goes to him and gives him a tight hug. “I’m sorry. I’m an idiot and you were right.” When he pulls back, there’s a big smile on Seungkwan’s face and Soonyoung realises how undeserving he is of his best friend.

They eat breakfast and Seungkwan catches him up on what’s been going on in his life while he was avoiding him, telling him about how truly happy Wonwoo and Mingyu seem now that they’re back together. Soonyoung’s chest is pleasantly warm, but he knows there’s one more thing he has to tell Seungkwan. “Seungkwan…” His best friend looks up at him, putting his chopsticks down, paying full attention to him, no nickname always means something serious. “I’m…um…I’m dating Jihoon.” Seungkwan doesn’t seem surprised, small smile spreading on his face and nodding his head. “That’s good.” He continues eating, but Soonyoung just stares at him, mouth hanging open a little. This wasn’t the reaction he expected. Seungkwan looks back up at him and laughs at his expression, almost choking on the half-chewed food in his mouth.

When he calms down, he smirks at Soonyoung. “You should see your face every time you talk about him.” Soonyoung can feel himself blushing a little and Seungkwan’s face softens, reaching out, hand settling on Soonyoung’s lying on the table. “I’m proud of you, Soonie. For giving love a try.” The honesty in Seungkwan’s eyes and voice almost overwhelms him, he truly doesn’t deserve his best friend. Soonyoung mouths “thank you” to him, unable to form actual words. They get together with Wonwoo and Mingyu that evening, ordering take out to their apartment and he tells them about Jihoon, this time in detail, revealing all the things he’s been hiding from them. Mingyu crushes him in a hug and Wonwoo joins in, Soonyoung’s eyes find Seungkwan’s across Mingyu’s shoulder and he realises what he’s been ignoring all this time. It’s going to take a lot of effort, Soonyoung still has so many things to work through, but he isn’t alone. Far from it.

Maybe things won’t work out with Jihoon, but it doesn’t matter because he’s never been happier, never felt more loved by somebody and never felt this okay with allowing himself to love somebody back. Maybe things won’t work out with Jihoon, but Soonyoung will give it his all and make things work because he loves Jihoon and he wants to be with him.

 

After dating Jihoon for over a year, Soonyoung finally introduces him to his parents. The four of them adore him and Soonyoung couldn’t be happier. Jihoon’s parents are just as smitten with him and for their two year anniversary, they have a big family dinner all together.

 

Soonyoung and Jihoon move in together after university, Jihoon starting work as a vocal trainer and Soonyoung as a dance instructor. Seungkwan is still his best friend, he’s been dating a boy from his major for a little over a year now. Wonwoo and Mingyu are still going strong and Wonwoo confides in Soonyoung about wanting to propose to Mingyu. The thought of marrying Jihoon slowly creeps into his mind and it excites him, they don’t really talk about the future, but they also don’t avoid it. The apartment they bought together, the joint savings account, the trips they’ve planned, they’re all things that promise a future in which they’ll still be together.

 

Soonyoung doesn’t marry his best friend, he marries Jihoon, the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with and he’s decided long ago that is what truly matters.

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it this far, thank you so much for reading! i'm not sure if i like this or hate it? (i should've gone with my original plan of heavy angst, but i prefer happy endings...)
> 
> anyway...i really want to write a boosoon fic!!


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